What am I?

*This is just another nonsensical blog entry right before I publish the main story by year-end*

My mum has a good friend whom she’s known for the past few decades of her life. Aunty L, being the caring person that she is, decided to “borrow” a few of my pictures from my house. She even took a few snapshots of my other photos using her camera phone. What she did after that was show my pictures to her other relatives and her nephew, Mysterious Guy. I’m locking up all of my things at home after this. Throwing away the key as well.

Mysterious Guy lives in another country. Aunty L gave him my email and “ordered” him to write to me.

For the first few weeks, Aunty L kept asking me if I had received any news from Mysterious Guy:

“Any email from him yet?” --------- “No…”

“Any news?” --------- “No…”

“So has he written to you?” --------- “No…”

No, no, no! Aaugh, leave me alone!

Aunty L seemed more anxious and excited than I was.

After her thorough investigation, Aunty L told me that Mysterious Guy couldn’t manage to email me because my email was not functioning, so could I please provide her with my email once again. That’s the biggest lie I’ve ever heard in my entire life as a human being. Why didn’t you let Aunty L know about this complication earlier? There’s nothing wrong with my email, unless if you had typed in all the wrong letters due to illiteracy.

I woke up one day to check my email, and there it was- the first email from Mysterious Guy. So I guess Aunty L finally managed to convince Mysterious Guy to write to me. Yippie, hooray… let the chaos and disorder begin…

Hombre Misterioso- who is he? What is he?

We corresponded a little bit (i.e.: just one email from him and another from me). He told me that he used to live in “Subang Jaya, which is in Selangor state”, as if I didn’t know where that place was, and as if I was some kind of picture bride from a remote, war-torn country who’s never heard of the name “Subang Jaya”.

A blonde once said to me, "Hi, I'm from Tennessee. By the way, Tennessee is in the United States..."

Wow, really?

Anyway, I decided to look for him through Facebook. Yup, he just started a Facebook account when I found him there. So the correspondence went on (i.e.: second email from me)…

JG’s email excerpt1: I've just added you on Facebook.

Mysterious Guy confirmed my Facebook friend request.

JG’s email excerpt2: No picture of you on Facebook?

Mysterious Guy’s reply: I am actually not too familiar with facebook. However I can assure you that I am not a ugly bald fat guy. Quite the opposite.

Quite a complex answer, I think. Reading through his emails once again and piecing together the basic details about his life somehow made me suspect he’s been suffering from a long-untreated disorder, which is no laughing matter at all. For a person at his slightly advanced age, I’m not sure how this situation can be remedied.

Another alternative possibility could be that Mysterious Guy was actually a dangerous drug lord who's only pretending to sound spastic and harmless through his emails...

After that, insane JG stopped writing to Mysterious Guy- I'm saving two people from eternal damnation on earth, you see. He never updated his Facebook account with anything else either after adding only two friends.

The average human being has about 250 friends. That was possibly another tell-tale sign of that disorder because he only has two Facebook friends- me and another pretty girl whom he had added first. No ex-classmates, ex-colleagues, ex-lovers or anything else on his fantastically empty Facebook page.

A few months after that, Aunty L came over to my house for dinner. She asked, “Why are you not writing to ****** anymore?”

“Oh, I’m just, well, busy…” I said, giving Aunty L the most popular excuse in the world for not contacting someone.

Fine, blame me for breaking Mysterious Guy’s heart. I get blamed for everything, including an active email address that supposedly could not function. Fancy getting blamed for everything in the world for the rest of your life if you were to marry him…

Oh no...

I don’t even know how Mysterious Guy looks like until today. Pretty unfair since Aunty L made such a nice compilation of my photos to be shown to her people located in almost every little village city in the world.

Matchmaking does not work for people like me. I tend to want to mess things up, throw firecrackers around, or something like that- not sure why; maybe I'm bored...

Riddle me this, riddle me that,

I’m quite the opposite of ugly, bald and fat.

What am I?

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(Scroll down for the answer, and oh my goodness, the first two sentences in the riddle actually rhyme!)

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Bloody hell, as if I care. There are too many other things in this world to be worried about- for example, that poor puppy in the video below...

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